new guilt

I have found a new variety of guilt, if that's possible.
As if the parenting guilt, the luxury chocolate shopping guilt, the online sneaky book buying guilt and the house-is-filthy-and-I-don't-care guilt is not enough.

Recently I started studying Yr 12 Chemistry to satisfy the pre-requsite for a Uni course I am considering. It's been a challenge to get the brain out of first gear and back into it. But mostly it's been about forcing the regular wedge of time into my schedule to keep a flow going.

So when I do actually get the children to bed, clean the dinner table, stack the dishwasher, wipe the kitchen bench, make the lunches, find uniforms and pack bags ready, soak some oats for brekky and put on the kettle, it's time to settle down for a solid hour and a half of work.

The voice in my head starts to divert me- check your blogs, I wonder if there's any cheap books on Fishpond, gosh it's been a busy day, you're a little tired, just rest on the couch for a minute...and whoa! It's 10:00 and I will not be starting any study now, it's way too late...

And the guilt sets in. Should have done it, wasted a night, really putting yourself in a bind, if only you could do it in the daytime..

So I book a day of study for myself. One child at school, one in extra daycare ($83 a day!) and off I go to the library. But (the voice says) it's a little cold, just pop home and get a scarf, oh now you are here give the place a quick tidy, put the heater on, you may as well stay at home and do it, ooh the floor needs a vacuum, time for morning tea, better make a couple of phone calls, lunch, short nap on the couch, whoops, must have really needed that, it's 2.45, time to go get the boys again..

Guilty and guilt.

One of the scourges of my modern life is the incessant prattle about 'time for yourself'. Do yoga, have a massage, read a book, meditate. I despise this talk because in my life it is unrealistic to expect 'me time' when I make dozens of choices a day that only erode free 'me time'. But they are my choices. Yoga or make pita bread? Pitas, please. Meditate or write a business plan? Business plan, please. Yet thanks to the power and persuasion of our media saturated lives, I feel like I have failed myself on 'me time'.  I yearn for it, even though I never choose it. Even though I have voluntarily undertaken this course, I find myself feeling deprived of my socially ordained 'me time'. Which is self defeating, since for the next 10 months, I willingly and voluntarily have chosen to and will have to spend 'me time' studying chemistry.

Or feeling guilty all the time for not doing it.

Blogging about it is just another delaying tactic.
Ok, ok, I'm going now....